A Modest Proposal to the Mayor of Michigan City in Time of Plague

“There is nothing that I won’t do as Mayor to protect our residents at this very critical time.” Doug Parry – Michigan City, Indiana Mayor
It is toxic to your lawn, causing burns and unsightly discoloring. Beyond your grass, it has been estimated that a single gram of dog waste can contain 23 million fecal coliform bacteria, which are known to cause cramps, diarrhea, intestinal illness, and serious kidney disorders in humans.
– Dangers of Dog Waste

The English word civilization comes from the 16th-century French civilize (“civilized”), from Latin Civilis (“civil”), related to civic (“citizen”) and civitas (“city”). WIKIPEDIA

Michigan City is a great ‘walking around’ town. I live in the neighborhood that once housed the workers of massive Barker Railroad Car Works that once rivaled George Pullman’s company town on south side of Chicago. The houses and buildings of Michigan City’s ‘Arts and Midtown Center’ hugging the lakeshore on once majestic sand dunes with Trail Creek knifing its way to Lake Michigan are unique and 19th Century charming. Working man’s houses sit next to sprawling executive mansions, boarding houses and bourgeoise doctors, foremen and merchants attempts to ape their more plutocratic neighbors.

This is no cookie-cutter, MCMANSION landscape of architectural abortions. These edifices are living and imaginative touchstones to our past. Michigan City excites my soul with every step that I take to St. Stanislaus Kostka Roman Catholic Church, or Lange’s Smoked Meats, a frosty beverage at McGinnis’s Irish Pub, a gargantuan Ruben sandwich at the Ritz Club, a haircut at Midtown Barbers, or the many antique and consignment shoppes along bustling Franklin Street. My favorite amble takes me from St. Stan’s at 15th & Washington back north to the Lighthouse that has become the symbolic icon of my town.

I walk vigorously to this wonderful vantage point and reflect upon the blessings that God has showered upon me during my three score and seven years of this yowling life of mine, unless . . . Jesus Christ Almighty!!!!!!!! I got dog crap on my Converse Allstars again!!!!!!! No one in this lousy burg shovels his sidewalk of snow and absolutely no one PICKS UP their mutts’ noxious necessities!!!!

After a dunescape reveler’s cast away popsicle stick is applied to my canvas or leather brogans and the smelly refuse placed in Michigan City Keep Our City Clean container, a ceasefire in the battery of curses and maledictions and return to my more contemplative Zen self, I move on. I say to myself with an avuncular chuckle befitting my hoary mane, “There, now, Old Fellow! Not so big a deal, as that. Nature must out. Be more wary. You now know your people and their dogs. There’s a modest Chap!” Heave but a sigh!

The fact is, when I go for a stroll, I tend to look like a porky ballerina – arabesque, gran plie!!! Mince, mince, mince over the browning park grass. All in order to avoid picking up an order that I did not order.

Michigan City is a dog lover’s town. From the two Yorkies above me in the apartment of my neighbor, to the wildly friendly mastiff who blocks my path to St. Stan’s with his joyful bound that almost topples me onto his waste-chocked balding lawn, MC-ers love their pups! Me too.

What they do not like is, applying a disposal glove or plastic bag over their all too human paws and clean up the mess made by Sidney, Ally and Lazlo. They also do not like shoveling the snow, but that is for another season and another rage. Stick to the sticking point – dog poop universal.

A Michigan City lawn is brownish and looks like drought has afflicted the floral landscape. I was a lousy Scott’s Turf Builder back in Chicago’s Morgan Park neighborhood, but I could have snatched Blue Ribbons for lawn beauty away from the top Michigan City lawn warrior, because grass was not treated with a canine acid bath ten times a day. Sure, we sit on sand, but all the watering in the world is negated by piles of pooch leavings.

Michigan City is wonderful, but can become wonderous, if citizens acted more civilized where their dogs are concerned. I do not say pets, because cats take care of themselves and Michigan City is a huge sandbox. Dogs are like toddlers for life and require loving care and attention until the day one must tearfully take Ajax for that last shot. Clean up after you dog, please.

That ain’t gonna happen. I am just voice on the sand dune, a civilized voice. N’cest pas?

Civilization is rooted in the word that means people living together in a city. In order to live better certain rules must be enacted. In a better world people behave civilly without ordinances.

I do not lick a person’s face, because I would not like some person to lick mine. I cover my cranial orifices when I couch, sneeze or spew outrage, like those all too frequent Michigan City moments when I discover that I have walked away with a huge piece of Mastiff Lazlo.

I therefore propose to Michigan City Mayor Duane Parry, who recently moved the executive order goal posts on Indiana Governor Eric Holcomb, by closing all of the Lakefront to citizens and scaling the size of crowd limits in big box stores and groceries in order to err on the side of panic, to take a fact and feces finding walk with me from 10th Street to Ames Field, up Washington and back down Wabash and, if he deem it safe out to the Lakefront. We will find piles to rival the long-vanished Hoosier Slide, where now sits the might NIPSCO works, that Chicagoans believe to be a nuclear power plant.
Other Duneland communities like Long Beach (the Irish Riviera) and Michiana Shores have civilized Doggie-Don’t stations, where puppy ambulators can acquire disposable gloves to deal with said refuse.

Will Mayor Duane Parry take up this modest offer of mine? Will Mayor Duane put on his rubber walking shoes with me?

Will I need to find cast-off popsicle sticks to gussy up my soiled Johnson & Murphy’s?

Nah. I will continue to arabesque my way up and down Michigan City’s beautiful streets and mince across its open fields of brown grass.